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  DIVORCED KIDS: What You Need to Know to Help Kids Survive a Divorce

Written by Laurene Johnson and Georglyn Rosenfeld

Originally published by Thomas-Nelson. Reprinted by Fawcett Crest.

Table of Contents

This book looks at what determines a child’s welfare during and after the divorce and helps parents, extended family, and other interested adults understand what they must do to enable children to cope with the loss and minimize the damage. Further, it shows positive steps parents can take to move themselves and their children along the road to recovery.

The authors’ purpose is to speak for the children and help parents realize that their own reactions to the divorce frequently increase their children’s pain.

Written with compassion and sensitivity by two divorced mothers who suffered through and recovered from a wide range of divorce-related traumas, this inspiring and understanding source book offers help for all divorced parents who are learning to cope with a new way of family life. Their children suffered, yet they emerged victorious with high self-esteem and are responsible, well-adjusted, productive, and fully functional, though the scars of the divorce will remain forever.

When Laurene and Georglyn’s kids were in college or graduate school they asked them to share in the writing and editing of the book by answering the questions, "What did we do right?" And "What did we do wrong?" Their kids comments were shocking, hurtful, pleasing, loving, but most of all forgiving.

These mothers share their mistakes . . . which were most often a result of putting their own needs above their children’s or an innocent reaction to a new situation. Their share their joys and victories in the hope that it will help you minimize the damage to your children (or children you care about) who will always perceive themselves as "divorced kids."

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Click on Highlighted Chapters for excerpt from Divorced Kids

   Prologue
1  How Divorce Affects Children
2  Death of a Relationship
3  Mourning the Loss
4  The Road to Recovery
5  Visitation
6  Common Visitation Mistakes
7  Guidelines for Visitation
8  When a Child Has to Travel
9  Holidays
10  Between Visits
11  Communicating with a Hostile Ex-Spouse
12  Communicating with Hostile Children
13  Does Divorce Mean Discipline Problems?
14  Making Discipline More Effective
15  Protecting and Nurturing Your Child’s Self-Esteem
16  Teaching Children to Become Self-Sufficient
17  Enlisting the Support of Others
18  The Extended Family
19  Friends to the End?
20  Teachers: Friends or Foes?
21  A Child’s Perception of Dating
22  His, Hers, and Ours . . . The Step-family
23  Forgiveness: The Ultimate Healer

Divorced kids come in all sizes and emotional states. Some are scarred for life, others are well adjusted. Some have good relationships with both parents, others have been abandoned. Some are still angry, others have learned to forgive their parents. Some see themselves as incapable of believing in a long-term love relationship, others are totally committed to making their marriage work so their kids will not suffer like they did.

What determines how children respond to divorce? Age and sex are a factor, but there is no "good" age for divorce. Even twins respond differently, depending upon their coping methods. For some children the greatest impact is felt two to ten years after the divorce. Far more significant than age and sex is the relationship between the parents and between the child and both parents before, during, and after the divorce.

Children who have the most difficult time with divorce usually come from families who have never coped well with other stressful events. Parents who only escalate the war after the divorce may as well have remained married. Parents who physically or emotionally remove themselves from a child’s life make it more difficult for a child to adapt and accept the divorce.

Children who fared the best after the divorce were those who had a strong emotional center--those who felt loved, worthwhile, secure, and who learned to take responsibility for themselves and their reactions. Their emotional health stabilized them and allowed them to express anger, to grieve, and to recover emotionally from the trauma.

Unfortunately, many children do not have a healthy emotional base upon which to begin their healing. It is for these children that divorce often becomes a devastating psychological process, destined to leave permanent emotional scars. However, all children, emotionally healthy or not, will need help in handling their parents’ divorce.

Parents are the first line of assistance, whether they recognize it or not. In the midst of their own grief and pain, it is often too easy for parents to deny their children’s pain, but denial only compounds the problem. Parents must recognize that their children feel great pain, though they may not demonstrate it openly. A parent must strive to respect the relationship that the children have with their other parent, honor the children’s desire for neutrality, and maintain positive relationships with their children as much as possible.

Copyright Laureen Johnson and Georglyn Rosenfeld, 1990.

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Chapter 1 - How Divorce Affects Children

If the nuclear family can be likened to a small, quiet pond, its waters unruffled and at peace, then divorce is a large boulder hurled violently into its middle. The shock waves surge across the entire surface, leaving no edge untouched.

Virtually every American’s life is touched by divorce . . . from the upper echelons of society to the homeless on the streets. Watching the rich and famous divorce has practically become a spectator sport in America. Unfortunately, unlike most sports, in divorce neither side wins. And worse yet, the biggest losers are the children. Divorce legally severs a marriage, but it also frequently severs the parental relationship, making the children feel that their parents not only divorced each other, but also divorced them.

Although adults experience a significant amount of trauma while going through a divorce, children not only suffer during the process but continue to suffer long after the final papers have been signed. Children of divorce battle fear and humiliation for many years, their perception of themselves drastically altered by the loss of their family. This stigma follows these children throughout their lives, making them feel like "divorced kids." Struggling to find their own way to cope with the trauma some children strike out with behavior problems while others succumb to cripplingly low self-esteem. In their weakened emotional condition, divorced kids often blame themselves for the divorce.

No one escapes the trauma of a fragmenting family--parents, children, grandparents, and extended family are all affected.

Unfortunately kids are often the forgotten element in a divorce. Parents are truly in the driver’s seat, with access to friends, divorce recovery groups, support groups, church groups, lawyers, and counselors. Children are all too often left to fend for themselves. To an adult, a marriage--even with children--may be a relatively recent even in life’s time line. To children, however, the family unit is all they have ever known. It is their world, containing their earliest and most profound memories. The split in the marriage cracks the deepest foundations of their lives, and suddenly everything is unstable. What can they depend on? Can anything be trusted?

Divorce may be the most catastrophic event the average American family is forced to overcome. For children, it violently interrupts the already tempestuous process of growing up. The adults involved in a pitched battle with each other have the advantage of a certain amount of control, even if it’s minuscule, but children have none. This leaves the child in a wait-and-see posture, forever trying to adapt to changing conditions, torn between two parents, resiliency tested to the utmost.

Children are survivors by nature. With proper guidance their survival skills can be greatly improved. Parents are in the best position to help their children, but unfortunately, they are usually consumed by their own struggle for survival. Extended family, friends, and other interested adults can work with the parents to provide emotional support and minimize long-term damage to the child’s mental health after a divorce.

Copyright Laureen Johnson and Georglyn Rosenfeld, 1990.

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Chapter 4 - The Road to Recovery

"From what you see on TV and in the movies, you’d think that getting a divorce was some yellow brick road to personal growth and happiness. . . But ask someone who’s been through it. There is nothing funny or easy about divorce. It is a savage emotional journey. Where it ends, you don’t know for a long time."
Abigail Trafford in Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce. Harper and Row.

Divorce is first and foremost a crisis. When we are in a crisis, we are locked into the present, the past slips away, taking all our security with it, and the future seems non-existent. The present holds pain, pain that must be experienced and dealt with, or it will go on and on without stopping.

Trina Bertiger, a Mesa, Arizona, psychotherapist, says,
"The worst experience in the world is a messy divorce. An unmessy divorce, if there is such a thing, is probably the second worst thing. . . Divorce is a loss of a relationship, a difficult procedure, even if you want it. . . . A divorce is painful because it’s a change, a major transition in life, and changes are never easy."

Divorce is both a process and a journey. Many times you might feel that you are not moving forward at all, but stumbling helplessly backward. We want to encourage you, that even though it may feel this way, you are moving forward, going through the process of healing. Every experience, event, feeling, and thought you have is one step closer to healing and wholeness. Remember that nothing is in vain, not even a marriage that didn’t last. You are the sum total of your life experiences, and this is one of those influential experiences that will help you grow exponentially.

Divorce, whether we like it or not, is going to change our lives. When we have moved through it, we will be different. This doesn’t mean we will never feel the pain again; the experiences and the feelings that went with the divorce will always e part of our lives. Your children’s ability to adapt to the divorce is going to depend on your ability to adapt to the divorce. If you carry negative feelings and emotions, they will also. The sooner you begin to heal, the sooner your children will start on their road to recovery.

One technique for having a more successful life after a divorce is called Dumping The Garbage. The Reverend Thomas O’Dea of the Holy Spirit Parish in Tempe, Arizona, created this acronym. Garbage can be seen as:

G -- Guilt
A -- Anger
R -- Resentment
B -- Bitterness
A -- Anxiety
G -- Greed
E -- Envy

Mary Ann Wall, a reality therapist in Phoenix, Arizona, told us,

"Garbage is all the negative things that infect adults’ and children’s lives. Garbage inhibits our ability to effectively meet our basic needs. Garbage blocks our potential. It clogs up our effective living. If we are going to be free, we must let go of the garbage. When we have garbage in our house, we put it in a bag and throw it away. We don’t decorate it."

An example of decorating emotional garbage is saying, "I have a right to be angry. Look at what he has done to me," or, "I’ll make her pay dearly."

Author Richard Flint offers advice on what to do with the garbage in our lives, "Each of us lives with a trash can on the inside of us. Each day we dump into the can. The problem with many is they have not learned there is a trash pick-up every day. We are the most dangerous when we are not dumping our can on a daily basis." (Richard Flint, Life Is a Maze, (West Palm Beach, FL: Pendelton Lane Publishing, 1985).

People who carry around garbage are toxic people. And this toxicity is contagious, like a disease. So surround yourself with people who are in the process of letting go of the garbage so that you can more effectively get on with your own life.

Until you dump the garbage of negative thoughts and emotions, you won’t have the freedom to love and to be joyous again. And be careful not to get into another relationship before you have let go of the garbage of the previous one.

If you are going through a divorce, look inward and introduce yourself to the stranger within. Start rebuilding. Your journey of self-discovery will be the most remarkable voyage you will ever embark upon. Your basis of self-worth is going to be tested. All aspects of your life will be restructured once the rebuilding process begins. Your belief in yourself and in God, your role at home, in the work place, and in society will also be put o the test.

The death of a relationship will open up two roads . . . the road to self-pity and the road to self-discovery. Which road you take will be determined by your attitude. As the initial shock dissipates, the emotional exhaust fumes clear, and the dust on the road settles, you will make the right choice.

The decision is simple; it’s time for the negative influences to end. Time to turn the world of negatives into a world filled with new experiences and unlimited promise. There is no other choice. Seize the opportunity to begin a season of new growth.

Copyright Laureen Johnson and Georglyn Rosenfeld, 1990.

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Chapter 6 - Common Visitation Mistakes

There is a story in the old testament about two women, roommates, both of whom have newborn babies. One night they go to sleep, each with her child cuddled up next to her. During the night, one of the women accidentally rolls over onto her infant, killing it. In her anguish, she resorts to a vile trick--she exchanges her dead child for her roommate’s living one, hoping she won’t notice.

When morning comes the second woman realizes the deception and goes straight to King Solomon for help. The two women, standing before the king, each tell a different tale--each one claiming the living child is hers and the dead one the other’s.

Solomon, who knows neither woman, uses some trickery of his own. Asking for his sword, he tells the women quite simply that the only way to resolve the dispute is to cut the child in two and give half to one and half to the other. But the woman who child is still alive blurts out, ‘o my lord, give her the living child, and by no means kill him.’

The other, however, says, ‘let him be neither mine nor yours, but divide him.’ And of course Solomon instantly realizes that the woman who demonstrated enough compassion to place the interests of the child above all else--even if it meant giving him up--is the genuine parent.

Recast one of these women in the role of the father and the story bears a striking resemblance to a modern-day custody battle. Unfortunately, compassion such as that demonstrated by the mother in this tale is a rare commodity among battling parents, and there is no all-wise king to ensure that the interests of he child are kept paramount. Children become another possession to be divided by the splitting couple, and the kids often feel as if Solomon’s sword has whacked them in two, cleaving their loyalties and their hearts.

As bitter and hateful as a protracted custody battle can be, it often pales by comparison to what happens once he courts have handed down their decision. Although the divorce decree has stated explicit conditions for visitation, the enforcement of these guidelines is virtually impossible. Parents tend to interpret a court’s ruling in the broadest possible sense, often bending the rules so much as to make them unrecognizable. Mom and dad are often like a pair of vicious, rival street gangs looking for any opportunity to fight, and the issue of visitation is enough to start a no-holds-barred free-for-all. In this arena the children are used as weapons even though they are, in fact, the victims. And the battle is neither short nor cheap

If you have a hostile ex-spouse or if you are a hostile ex-spouse, remember that the test interests of your children must come before your personal interests and desire for revenge. Consider what is best for your kids and put your personal animosities behind you when it comes to their welfare. In his book Our Endangered Children, Growing Up in a Changing World, social critic Vance Packard has outlined a "Bill of Rights for Children of Divorce" that we would all do well to follow.

Copyright Laureen Johnson and Georglyn Rosenfeld, 199

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Chapter 7 - Guidelines for Visitation

Copyright Laureen Johnson and Georglyn Rosenfeld, 1990.

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Chapter 8 - When a Child Has to Travel

If you are separated from your children in another state or unable to see them locally, consider obtaining a copy of "101 Ways To Be A Long-Distance Super-Dad--or Mom, Too!" from Blossom Valley Press, 5141 E. Woodgate, P. O. Box 13378, Tucson, AZ 85732-3378 (520)325-1224. $9.95 plus $2.50 shipping and handling.

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Chapter 11 - Communicating with a Hostile Ex-Spouse

1. Children of divorce are entitled to parents who set aside at least 20 minutes every month to discuss the progress and problems of the children. The children’s schoolwork, health, mental state, activities, and apparent reaction to the divorce should be the focus of such talks.
   
2. Children of divorce are entitled to parents who go out to dinner together with them, if desired by the child, on their birthdays or on important holidays. The parents should also both go to important school events.
   
3. Children of divorce are entitled to have parents who do not belittle the other parent in front of the children.
   
4. Children of divorce are entitled to have parents who refrain from any action that would seem to force the children to take sides.
   
5. Children of divorce are entitled to be free from any sense of pressure from either parent to serve as informants about the other parent’s spending, dating, or other activities.
   
6. Children of divorce are entitled to have complete freedom to phone either parent. It should also be permissible for the other parent to call his or her children.
   
7. Children of divorce are entitled to have parents who agree to notify each other in all emergencies or important events involving the children.
   
8. Children of divorce are entitled to have parents who by agreement are civil and avoid recriminations when they are in the presence of the children.

DOING "BUSINESS" AS PARENTS

1. Stay focused on your children--This is the reason for your continuing relationship and communication with each other. Avoid personal issues and past conflicts.

2. Be cordial, even when you don’t feel like it. Your children will appreciate that their parents are at least civil with one another. And it is good modeling for your children on how to respect others even I you disagree with them.

3. Have an agenda for discussions--and stick to it. A specific list of issues relating to the children is helpful in avoiding getting sidetracked into extraneous and possibly conflictual subjects.

4. Have a co-operative attitude. Consider the other parent’s feelings and opinions. Your children need input from both their parents. Proving who is right or wrong is not helpful to the business at hand, and is most likely based on past personal issues.

5. Be willing to negotiate. Even if you think you are 100% "right," there are other valid points of view. Shutting the other parent out of decisions regarding the children is not in their best interests.

6. Utilize a problem-solving approach. Avoid getting into power struggles. If a particular suggestion will appear to solve the problem, then go with it, even if the other parent suggested it. Remember that it is more important to reach a solution than to have your own way.

7. Always place the children’s best interests and needs first, before any other consideration. If both parents can do this, better decisions will be made in less time and with less difficulty.

Source: Ron Neff, Conciliation Service of the Superior Court of Arizona.

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Chapter 12 - Communicating with Hostile Children

Children can be master manipulators. Sometimes they believe that if they make it so miserable for the parents, they will force them back together, or so intolerable for the new stepparent that they can end the relationship. Unfortunately, more often than not they are right. Various studies have shown that problems with stepchildren and ex-spouses are the number-one cause of the second marriage failing.

An important point to remember about hostile kids is that even in intact families kids also get hostile. Sometimes it is just their age and what is happening in their lives, rather than something concerning the divorce.

If your children seem cold and indifferent to you, they may have been poisoned against you by your ex-spouse and they have to let their minds sort through it all--which may take years.

You might not be able to do anything about the hostility, lies, and anger directed toward you, but it won’t last forever. Stay in there. Let your children know you love them. They won’t always be little, though it seems that way now. Someday you will be able to relate to your children without all the garbage of interference by others. Hang on. It is worth it.

Copyright Laureen Johnson and Georglyn Rosenfeld, 1990.

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Chapter 13 - Does Divorce Mean Discipline Problems?

Various studies have shown that children receive considerably less discipline after a divorce. Parents frequently stop setting limits because they tend to withdraw and become absorbed with their own issues, have problems controlling their anger, are easily irritated, and afraid the child will want to go live with the other parent. Along with less parental control, children of divorce generally do less homework, watch more TV and do fewer household chores.

Can discipline ever be harmful to a child? Discipline that does not teach self-control can be very damaging. Behavior will be repeated. Avoid discipline that only imposes external controls. When a child’s behavior is controlled by an authority figure, the good behavior usually only lasts as long as the authority is present.

When attempting to control your children’s actions or behavior, you must be very careful not to break their spirits. Children’s spirits, or attitudes and feelings about themselves, are directly related to their personal worth and self-esteem.

Sometimes the discipline itself is the cause of a child’s poor behavior. Although it is only natural to do so, don’t repeat the same mistakes your parents made with you.

What are some things you should never do in disciplining your child?

Realize that some misbehavior is unrelated to the divorce and is just a natural part of childhood. However, many children do act out their feelings about the divorce in the form of misbehavior and might be using it as a ploy to draw Mom and Dad back together. If they constantly get in trouble at school, it could be because both Mom and Dad have to go see the principal together, and the children hope it will result in Dad coming back home.

Copyright Laureen Johnson and Georglyn Rosenfeld, 1990.

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Chapter 15 - Protecting and Nurturing Your Child's Self-Esteem

"A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark." 
Chinese proverb

"The little girl who is beaten will beat her doll baby."
Russian proverb

For hundreds of years women in China bound their young daughters’ feet in order to hinder their growth. Although it was extremely painful and caused terrible deformity, mothers continued this practice tthrough out the growing years because tiny feet and a dainty walk were considered very feminine and the only way a young woman could hope to marry.

These same mothers had horrible childhood memories of the excruciating agony they had experienced and how they cried out for relief. But when they grew up, married, and had daughters of their own, the crippled mothers would get out the bindings and wrap their own daughters’ feet, creating a new generation of crippled women.

Numerous studies reveal that we have a tendency to treat our own children as we were treated--the bad as well as the good. The very things we detested about our own parents are the things we find ourselves doing to our children.

Much like customs that are passed down from one generation to the next, our ability to raise children with high self-esteem depends upon our ability to develop and maintain high self-esteem ourselves. If we have low self-esteem, chances are that our children will have low self-esteem too; because we perceive and treat our children as we perceive and treat ourselves. If we devalue ourselves we devalue our children. It’s that simple. Children of divorce have a hard time feeling good about themselves, they need our assistance.

Divorce is one of the most negative marks that can be made on children because it knocks the emotional props right out from under them. But parents can take tangible, positive steps to minimize the damage of divorce and make it a growing experience for their children.

Kids who have the most difficult time with divorce usually come from families who have never coped well with other stressful events. Children who fared the best after the divorce were those who had a strong emotional center--those who felt loved, worthwhile, secure, and who learned to take responsibility for themselves and their reactions. Their emotional health stabilized them.

What are some of the things we can do to protect and nurture a child’s self-esteem?

Copyright Laureen Johnson and Georglyn Rosenfeld, 1990.

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Chapter 16 -Teaching Children to Become Self-Sufficient

Few things help an individual more than to place responsibility upon him, and to let him know that you trust him.
Booker T. Washington

When a mother eagle decides it’s time for her young ones to learn how to fly, she rearranges the twigs in their nest so they stick straight up rather than laying flat, making the nest uncomfortable. One by one she gently pushes the eaglets out of the nest in order to force them to learn to fly. Watching ever so carefully, she allows the eaglet to flutter and try out its wings until it becomes tired; then she swoops down underneath her faltering young one and catches it on her wings, carrying it back to the safety of the nest. She repeats this process over and over until each of her eaglets is able to fly without her assistance.

Divorce is not the time to push your young ones out of the nest, but the divorce process itself makes the nest uncomfortable and provides a good time to teach children of all ages to become more self-sufficient and responsible. More than likely, after the divorce the custodial parent has twice as many responsibilities and half as much emotional support. Many single parents compare their increased burdens and responsibilities to feeling like a rubber band stretched to the breaking point and ready to snap. The best way to remedy this situation is to explain the problem to the children and ask for their help in appropriate areas.

By giving your children additional responsibilities after the divorce (not just busywork), you not only help them feel like they are an intricate and important part of the family but expedite their growth and healing processes as well. Children, as well as adults, are more likely to live up to their responsibilities if they understand them. It is extremely important for you to clearly explain what is expected and to be consistent about it. If you tell your child, "From now on you’re to take the garbage out," and forget about it the next week, your child learns that responsibility is never long-term. If a child neglects to do the work, it should remain undone, within reason. At the same time, parents must have some flexibility in special circumstances. Rules that are too rigid make children feel that the rules are more important than they are.

Chores are not just to help make the parents’ lives easier; they also have the purpose of helping children feel good about themselves, feel productive, and feel they are a giving as well as a receiving part of the family. Some parents think it is cruel to make a child work at home. They say, "I never had to do chores as a child. . . . Let children be children." However, research has shown that children who are responsible and giving are more likely to become adults who are responsible and giving, and possibly become leaders as well.

Another added benefit of responsibilities is that they provide routine, structure, limitations, and a feeling of security--all of which are important for children while going through the divorce and healing process.

A necessary ingredient of responsibility is accepting the consequences of one’s emotional reactions. Children need to understand that they have a choice about how to react. They can choose to behave responsibly when they feel happy, sad, or angry, and they should not blame others for their reactions. "He made me so mad I had to hit him" is not a responsible emotional reaction. Help your children set their own limits on acceptable or unacceptable ways of dealing with their emotions. Regardless of how angry, happy, or sad they might be, they must be taught they can’t knock over lamps or throw tantrums. Show them acceptable ways of venting this anger--whether it is screaming into their pillows, writing down all their angry thoughts in a journal, hitting a punching bag, or playing basketball, tennis, or some other active sport.

Children generally find ways to deal with their emotions by finding out how much they can get away with and by watching how their parents and other role models deal with their emotions.

During the difficult days after the children find out about the divorce and until they learn to accept it, they need help in realizing that they can choose their response to their feelings and they are responsible for the consequences of their behavior.

If you give your children responsibility with respect and sensitivity, they will accept it. Like the mother eagle, however, you need to be ready to swoop down and rescue them if they begin to falter. Children who learn to accept responsibility at a young age generally have an easier time as adults than children who have had everything done for them by their parents or others.

Copyright Laureen Johnson and Georglyn Rosenfeld, 1990.

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Don’t take sides; remain neutral.

Never make derogatory remarks about the other parent in front of the children.

Occasionally deliver the children to the other parent and pick them up again or allow their home to be utilized as a pick up and delivery point to avoid confrontations.

Be available to the kids if they want to talk, but don’t try to pressure them to talk about the divorce or what is going on.

Reassure the children that their extended family members on both sides love them and are there for them.

Invite the children into their home rather than always visiting them in your home. Kids need time in a stable environment when theirs seems to be falling apart.

Include your kids in some of their family outings or activities.

Keep in touch with notes and phone calls (especially on birthdays).

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Chapter 23 - Forgiveness

A beautiful example of forgiving ones parents is in a theme a sixteen-year-old girl wrote for an English class assignment.  Her instructions were to write about a person either living or dead.  Here is what she wrote.

This Man

This man has changed my life. This man has taught me what I want out of life and what I don’t want. This man showed me right from wrong while helping me form my own opinions, values, and ideals. This man has no idea of the sort of impact he has had on my life. This man is not alive. This man is not dead. This man is my father.

As I think back over my childhood, he was never there to turn to for love, understanding, or even a hug. His cold-hearted attitude hurt, for I didn’t know why he treated me as if I were nonexistent. In every attempt I made to make contact with him, I was turned away, only to become more confused and hurt, not being able to understand why a little girl’s daddy did not want to see her. An obvious difference became apparent to me between my family and that of others as I saw the warmth and concern my friends’ fathers showed toward them. I reveled in any extra attention given to me by these fathers and acquired a special love and admiration for them. The feeling of acceptance by a father was irreplaceable since it proved that I was not incapable of being loved as a daughter and it was possible that the problem existed within my father and not within me.

This man has not shown pride in my accomplishments, nor has he denied credit for them. This man has not encouraged me. This man has acted as if he could care less one way or the other about me. This man has not been involved in my life. This man is not dead. This man is not alive. This man is my father.

Without his help and without his guidance I have had academic success, I have formed high morals and have developed strong personality qualities which will take me far. His lack of interest in my future goals and aspirations has done nothing to restrain me. If anything, it has motivated me to sow him up and prove that I can accomplish anything and I don’t need his support to do it. Without him there for my first date and without him there for my first heartbreak, I still proudly survived. I learned to stand tall and set my sights high and not lower my standards, values, or morals for anyone. Without him I learned to remain firm in my faith and stick up for what I believe in. I learned what I want for my own children and what I don’t want for them. Through his absent teaching by negation I have learned more from this man than anyone else I know.

This man has taught me how to laugh, love, and respect. This man has taught me the importance of friendships and the meaning of happiness. And most importantly he has taught me how to forgive. This man is not alive. This man is not dead. This man is my father . . and I love him.

Natalie Estruth (Cawood), Written in 1989

Originally published in Divorced Kids, 1990

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Copyright 1990 by Laurene Johnson and Georglyn Rosenfeld

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