Few things help an individual more than to place responsibility upon him,
and to let him know that you trust him.
Booker T. Washington
When a mother eagle decides it’s time for her young ones to learn how to
fly, she rearranges the twigs in their nest so they stick straight up rather
than laying flat, making the nest uncomfortable. One by one she gently pushes
the eaglets out of the nest in order to force them to learn to fly. Watching
ever so carefully, she allows the eaglet to flutter and try out its wings until
it becomes tired; then she swoops down underneath her faltering young one and
catches it on her wings, carrying it back to the safety of the nest. She repeats
this process over and over until each of her eaglets is able to fly without her
assistance.
Divorce is not the time to push your young ones out of the nest, but the
divorce process itself makes the nest uncomfortable and provides a good time to
teach children of all ages to become more self-sufficient and responsible. More
than likely, after the divorce the custodial parent has twice as many
responsibilities and half as much emotional support. Many single parents compare
their increased burdens and responsibilities to feeling like a rubber band
stretched to the breaking point and ready to snap. The best way to remedy this
situation is to explain the problem to the children and ask for their help in
appropriate areas.
By giving your children additional responsibilities after the divorce (not
just busywork), you not only help them feel like they are an intricate and
important part of the family but expedite their growth and healing processes as
well. Children, as well as adults, are more likely to live up to their
responsibilities if they understand them. It is extremely important for you to
clearly explain what is expected and to be consistent about it. If you tell your
child, "From now on you’re to take the garbage out," and forget
about it the next week, your child learns that responsibility is never
long-term. If a child neglects to do the work, it should remain undone, within
reason. At the same time, parents must have some flexibility in special
circumstances. Rules that are too rigid make children feel that the rules are
more important than they are.
Chores are not just to help make the parents’ lives easier; they also have
the purpose of helping children feel good about themselves, feel productive, and
feel they are a giving as well as a receiving part of the family. Some parents
think it is cruel to make a child work at home. They say, "I never had to
do chores as a child. . . . Let children be children." However, research
has shown that children who are responsible and giving are more likely to become
adults who are responsible and giving, and possibly become leaders as well.
Another added benefit of responsibilities is that they provide routine,
structure, limitations, and a feeling of security--all of which are important
for children while going through the divorce and healing process.
A necessary ingredient of responsibility is accepting the consequences of one’s
emotional reactions. Children need to understand that they have a choice about
how to react. They can choose to behave responsibly when they feel happy, sad,
or angry, and they should not blame others for their reactions. "He made me
so mad I had to hit him" is not a responsible emotional reaction. Help your
children set their own limits on acceptable or unacceptable ways of dealing with
their emotions. Regardless of how angry, happy, or sad they might be, they must
be taught they can’t knock over lamps or throw tantrums. Show them acceptable
ways of venting this anger--whether it is screaming into their pillows, writing
down all their angry thoughts in a journal, hitting a punching bag, or playing
basketball, tennis, or some other active sport.
Children generally find ways to deal with their emotions by finding out how
much they can get away with and by watching how their parents and other role
models deal with their emotions.
During the difficult days after the children find out about the divorce and
until they learn to accept it, they need help in realizing that they can choose
their response to their feelings and they are responsible for the consequences
of their behavior.
If you give your children responsibility with respect and sensitivity, they
will accept it. Like the mother eagle, however, you need to be ready to swoop
down and rescue them if they begin to falter. Children who learn to accept
responsibility at a young age generally have an easier time as adults than
children who have had everything done for them by their parents or others.
Excerpt from Divorced Kids, Chapter 16
"Teaching Children to Become Self-Sufficient"
Copyright 1990 By Laureen Johnson and Georglyn Rosenfeld
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