Discipline After Divorce
Various studies have shown that children receive considerably less discipline after a divorce. Parents frequently stop setting limits because they tend to withdraw and become absorbed with their own issues, have problems controlling their anger, are easily irritated, and afraid the child will want to go live with the other parent. Along with less parental control, children of divorce generally do less homework, watch more TV and do fewer household chores.
Can discipline ever be harmful to a child? Discipline that does not teach self-control can be very damaging. Behavior will be repeated. Avoid discipline that only imposes external controls. When a child’s behavior is controlled by an authority figure, the good behavior usually only lasts as long as the authority is present.
When attempting to control your children’s actions or behavior, you must be very careful not to break their spirits. Children’s spirits, or attitudes and feelings about themselves, are directly related to their personal worth and self-esteem.
Sometimes the discipline itself is the cause of a child’s poor behavior. Although it is only natural to do so, don’t repeat the same mistakes your parents made with you.
What are some things you should never do in disciplining your child?
 | Don’t ridicule, embarrass, belittle, insult, shame, or humiliate your children with verbal assaults. |
| Don’t withdraw your love when they misbehave. |
| Don’t discipline for mistakes or clumsy behavior. |
| Don’t let your emotional state determine your discipline. |
| Don’t discipline your kids when you are angry. |
| Don’t say, "You make me angry." Say, "When you act this way, I feel angry." |
| Don’t say, "You treat me just like your father (or mother) did." |
| Don’t argue with your kids or resort to screaming, yelling, or nagging. |
| Don’t imply that your children are a burden to you or that they weren’t wanted in the first place. |
| Don’t discipline your children for something they didn’t do or fall into the trap of disciplining all your kids for the misbehavior of one. |
| Don’t discipline your children by withholding something they are entitled to--like meals. |
| Don’t be unreasonable about withholding special privileges--such as parties or celebrations--for punishment. |
| Don’t treat your children as though their explanations, alibis, or opinions aren’t worth anything, or they will feel like second-class citizens. |
| Don’t expect your children to be perfectly self-controlled. If they were, they wouldn’t be normal. |
Realize that some misbehavior is unrelated to the divorce and is just a natural part of childhood. However, many children do act out their feelings about the divorce in the form of misbehavior and might be using it as a ploy to draw Mom and Dad back together. If they constantly get in trouble at school, it could be because both Mom and Dad have to go see the principal together, and the children hope it will result in Dad coming back home.
Copyright Laureen Johnson and Georglyn Rosenfeld, 1990.