Road To Recovery

"From what you see on TV and in the movies, you’d think that getting a divorce was some yellow brick road to personal growth and happiness. . . But ask someone who’s been through it. There is nothing funny or easy about divorce. It is a savage emotional journey. Where it ends, you don’t know for a long time."
Abigail Trafford in Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce. Harper and Row.

Divorce is first and foremost a crisis. When we are in a crisis, we are locked into the present, the past slips away, taking all our security with it, and the future seems non-existent. The present holds pain, pain that must be experienced and dealt with, or it will go on and on without stopping.

Trina Bertiger, a Mesa, Arizona, psychotherapist, says,
"The worst experience in the world is a messy divorce. An unmessy divorce, if there is such a thing, is probably the second worst thing. . . Divorce is a loss of a relationship, a difficult procedure, even if you want it. . . . A divorce is painful because it’s a change, a major transition in life, and changes are never easy."

Divorce is both a process and a journey. Many times you might feel that you are not moving forward at all, but stumbling helplessly backward. We want to encourage you, that even though it may feel this way, you are moving forward, going through the process of healing. Every experience, event, feeling, and thought you have is one step closer to healing and wholeness. Remember that nothing is in vain, not even a marriage that didn’t last. You are the sum total of your life experiences, and this is one of those influential experiences that will help you grow exponentially.

Divorce, whether we like it or not, is going to change our lives. When we have moved through it, we will be different. This doesn’t mean we will never feel the pain again; the experiences and the feelings that went with the divorce will always be part of our lives. Your children’s ability to adapt to the divorce is going to depend on your ability to adapt to the divorce. If you carry negative feelings and emotions, they will also. The sooner you begin to heal, the sooner your children will start on their road to recovery.

One technique for having a more successful life after a divorce is called Dumping The Garbage. The Reverend Thomas O’Dea of the Holy Spirit Parish in Tempe, Arizona, created this acronym. Garbage can be seen as:

G -- Guilt
A -- Anger
R -- Resentment
B -- Bitterness
A -- Anxiety
G -- Greed
E -- Envy

Mary Ann Wall, a reality therapist in Phoenix, Arizona, told us,

"Garbage is all the negative things that infect adults’ and children’s lives. Garbage inhibits our ability to effectively meet our basic needs. Garbage blocks our potential. It clogs up our effective living. If we are going to be free, we must let go of the garbage. When we have garbage in our house, we put it in a bag and throw it away. We don’t decorate it."

An example of decorating emotional garbage is saying, "I have a right to be angry. Look at what he has done to me," or, "I’ll make her pay dearly."

Author Richard Flint offers advice on what to do with the garbage in our lives, "Each of us lives with a trash can on the inside of us. Each day we dump into the can. The problem with many is they have not learned there is a trash pick-up every day. We are the most dangerous when we are not dumping our can on a daily basis." (Richard Flint, Life Is a Maze, (West Palm Beach, FL: Pendelton Lane Publishing, 1985).

People who carry around garbage are toxic people. And this toxicity is contagious, like a disease. So surround yourself with people who are in the process of letting go of the garbage so that you can more effectively get on with your own life.

Until you dump the garbage of negative thoughts and emotions, you won’t have the freedom to love and to be joyous again. And be careful not to get into another relationship before you have let go of the garbage of the previous one.

If you are going through a divorce, look inward and introduce yourself to the stranger within. Start rebuilding. Your journey of self-discovery will be the most remarkable voyage you will ever embark upon. Your basis of self-worth is going to be tested. All aspects of your life will be restructured once the rebuilding process begins. Your belief in yourself and in God, your role at home, in the work place, and in society will also be put to the test.

The death of a relationship will open up two roads . . . the road to self-pity and the road to self-discovery. Which road you take will be determined by your attitude. As the initial shock dissipates, the emotional exhaust fumes clear, and the dust on the road settles, you will make the right choice.

The decision is simple; it’s time for the negative influences to end. Time to turn the world of negatives into a world filled with new experiences and unlimited promise. There is no other choice. Seize the opportunity to begin a season of new growth.

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