Role Models

ROLE MODELS

It is the sum total of a child’s experiences that determine his destiny, including his heredity as well as his home life, his friends, his education, his church, his recreation, his job, his wife or husband, plus the books and magazines he reads, the films he sees, the television he watches. Our children are a composite of all these, some of which are beyond our control.
Robert Hastings

In a survey of 75,000 families, when asked where they learned their values, this is where they said they learned them:

	68% at home
	30% from peers
	2% role models outside the home

WHAT CHILDREN LEARN FROM DIVORCE

The Hebrew word for parents is horim, and it comes from the same root as moreh, teacher. The parent is, and remains, the first and most important teacher that the child will ever have.
Rabbi Kassel Abelson

Children can forgive their parents for being wrong, but weakness sends them elsewhere for strength.
Leontine Young

Whatever else divorce is for a child, it is at least a major learning experience. This one life-event can have far-reaching effects on the subsequent personality, attitudes, and abilities of the child to adjust satisfactorily to life Most experts agree that it takes between three and four years for children to pull themselves together after a divorce. For an eight-year-old, this represents about a third of his or her life.

Throughout this period a divorced parent’s behavior, feelings, and attitudes will be on full display. His or her true nature will be drawn out for all to observe. This would not be that serious if a parent’s behavior did not affect anyone else. Since "modeling" is one of the major ways in which children learn their behavior, feelings, and attitudes, the consequences of the parent’s behavior during such a time can be serious.

Modeling is the process by which one person imitates or copies another’s behavior. It is a most important process in the development of a child’s personality. This is one of the reasons our behavior so often closely resembles that of our parents. Without realizing it, we copy them from the time we are very small. The way they speak, walk, act, respond, and emote rubs off onto us. Much of what we pick up is good but some of it is of doubtful value.

Whether we like the idea or not, the conflicts surrounding a family breakup will provide important models for the children to imitate.

WHAT ARE YOU MOST LIKELY TO TEACH YOUR CHILDREN?

I am convinced one has a tendency to repeat the emotional errors of one’s parents. If one is the product of divorced parents, or inharmoniously married parents--it’s not whether they stay together or not but what their conflicts are that counts--you are apt to copy, quite unconsciously, their pattern.
Olivia deHavilland

Because conflict underlies most marriage breakups, the behaviors likely to be taught children during divorce will be variations of anger and hostility. When a marriage breakup involves little overt conflict, the atmosphere is usually healthier--that is, provided passive and indirect ways of showing anger are not being used to cover up deep hostility. Silence between a husband and wife doesn’t always mean there is no conflict. Just because people are keeping their distance from each other doesn’t mean they are at peace. Cover-up behaviors also teach negative lessons--such as using sulking and silence to handle conflict and manipulate people.

1. HATE -- Divorcing parents often give their children effective lessons in the energy-draining art of hate. And when they display their hatred for each other through vicious fighting, they teach their children not only how to hate, but the fact that hating pays dividends. Hating punishes people. Hate is a weapon more devastating than the sharpest sword or the most powerful bullet. When you’ve learned how to use hate, you don’t need any other weapon. It takes a lot more energy to hate somebody than it does to love them.

2. DISTRUST -- Divorced kids learn that you cannot trust anyone--especially those who claim to love you the most. When one parent tells he child not to tell the other parent things that are going on in his or her life and then the other parent pressures the child to divulge the information, it will probably be prefaced with "Don’t tell dad I told you." The next thing he knows mom is screaming at dad for something the child told the other parent. This distrust will spread to other relationships. The child will be afraid to be open and honest.

3. SNEAKINESS -- Kids hate being asked to "spy" on the other parent. Kids want to be "friends" with both parents, not put in the middle as a "double agent." When one parent asks the child to look for information about income or expenses or another person’s involvement in their life, the child might do it, but then will feel bad or like a "sneak." This does not teach love and trust. It does cause the child to become sneaky and hypocritical.

4. LYING -- When a parent lies to a child about their life or where they are going, the children figure it out even if it takes a while. Children learn to lie about their behavior to avoid a confrontation or trouble.

WHAT POSITIVE THINGS CAN A CHILD LEARN IN DIVORCE?

Good parents do not always produce good children, but devoted, dedicated hardworking mothers and fathers can weigh the balance in favor of decency and the building of moral character. Every word and deed of a parent is a fiber woven into the character of a child, which ultimately determines how that child fits into the fabric of society.
David Wilkerson

1. LOVE AND KINDNESS -- Divorce is an unfortunate end to a marriage and one partner probably does not want it to end. But this should not be a cause of open warfare. If parents can get together and set aside their personal grievances for the sake of their children, they model love and kindness, even in the face of catastrophe. Love can be a feeling or love can be a behavior. The feeling of love can follow a behavior rather than precede it.

2. FORGIVENESS FOR RESENTMENT -- While hate and resentment might be innate to humans, forgiveness is something we learn. A child who is not shown how to forgive grows up not knowing how. In a divorce situation, actions speak louder than words. A parent’s every movement, attitude, and reaction will be observed by his or her children. It is important to do everything possible to heal your resentment and practice forgiveness. Teaching forgiveness at a time when parents are hurting most must be the most effective way for them to teach it.

3. PATIENCE AND ENDURANCE -- Divorce is a time when decisions are made impulsively and when tolerance for frustration is at its lowest. It takes effort to overcome the frightening insecurities and the tendency to abandon hope. It is so much easier just to give up. At times such as these, parents can teach a powerful lesson about trusting God to give patience and endurance. If they do it effectively, their children will learn to do it, too. There is no better test for the validity of faith than at a time of trial such as divorce. And if this faith isn’t a part of your life there is no better time than a divorce to become involved in a personal relationship with God.

If you would like more information about a relationship with God,
click HERE and we will send you some free information.

Helping Children Survive Divorce by Archibald, D. Hart, Ph.D. Thomas-Word.
But it Today! Click on Book Title.

Honestly facing your strengths and weaknesses is essential. No one is a perfect parent.
The goal is not perfection, it is a healthy growing relationship.
We teach louder sermon with our lives than with our lips.

WHAT ARE YOU MODELING?

Children have more need of models than of critics.
Joseph Joubert

	If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
	If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
	If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive.
	If a child lives with jealousy, he learns to feel guilty.
	If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
	If a child lives with encouragement, he learns to be confident.
	If a child lives with praise, he learns to be appreciative.
	If a child learns with acceptance, he learns to love.
	If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
	If a child lives with recognition, he learns it is good to have a goal.
	If a child lives with honesty, he learns what truth is.
	If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
	If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith in himself and those about him. Dorothy Nolte When I approach a child, he inspires in me two sentiments: tenderness for what he is, and respect for what he may become. Louis Pasteur

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