TONING DOWN CONFLICT
CAN HELP KIDS
By Judge Mark Armstrong
I won’t be the first to observe that divorce in Arizona has reached epidemic
proportions. We have one of the highest divorce rates in the country.
In 1997, the last year for which we have complete statistics, the Arizona
divorce rate was 64 percent and the Maricopa County divorce rate was 74 percent.
In 1998, we had about 17,000 divorces in Maricopa County.
More shocking, about 39 percent of Arizona’s children are born out of
wedlock. Thousands of children are faced with all or part of the childhood
without an intact two-parent family.
The picture is not much brighter nationally. As a nation, our nearly 50
percent divorce rate is one of the highest among industrialized countries.
England’s divorce rate hovers around 40 percent. Australia’s is about 33
percent. Italy and many eastern European countries have much lower rates.
Unfortunately, I have no easy answers to these pervasive societal problems.
As a Family Court Judge, I have seen over many years the effects of divorce and
"fatherlessness" on children. All children of separated or divorced
parents are negatively impacted to some extent. Children are often faced with
stressful changes at those times such as relocation, a reduced standard of living
and new family and social bonds. They often experience instability, parental
conflict and a lack of effective parenting, at least temporarily.
In my opinion, the most important things we can do to help children overcome
the effects of divorce and separation may be reducing parental conflict,
preventing family violence, promoting cooperative parenting, and ensuring that
children have adequate financial support.
Clearly children are better off with two healthy parents. Children need
emotional and financial support. They need regular and meaningful contact with
both parents, except in cases of family violence, sexual abuse, severe neglect
or substance abuse. They also need their parents to get along and cooperatively
parent.
Cooperative parenting does not mean that parents have to agree on everything.
That will never happen. It simply means calm discussion, compromise, tolerance
of different parenting styles, and putting the focus on the children’s needs
rather than the parent’s. Love is far more important than parenting style.
Fortunately, most divorcing and divorced parents are able to co-parent in a
cooperative way while keeping their children’s best interests in mind.
Unfortunately, there remain a disturbing number of cases in which parents do not
cooperatively parent--where they engage in persistent conflict to heir children’s
detriment.
More and more courts and professionals are recognizing that persistent
parental conflict is harmful to children. Parental conflict may take many forms,
including fighting, arguing, refusing to communicate, making disparaging remarks
about the other parent, alienating the child against the other parent, and
interfering with custody or parenting time. I cannot overemphasize how bad this
is for children.
Aside from abuse and severe neglect, persistent parental conflict is probably
the most harmful by-product of divorce or separation for children. It has been
associated with a higher risk for children of delinquency, self-destructive
behavior, depression and reduced academic performance. It is not hard to imagine
the damage done to children when the two people they love most disparage each
other.
If you are involved in a highly conflicted parental relationship and would
like to make some changes to help your children, I can offer some simple advice
that has helped others.
It is crucial that you recognize that these behaviors are harmful to your
children. This is true even if you feel you are not the one at fault. You still
have the power to set an example. Always be courteous and respectful toward the
other parent even if you do not feel like it. Listen carefully to what they are
saying and do not interrupt. Use "I" messages and not "you"
messages. Never speak disparagingly about them or their significant other. Using
negative language almost always begets more of the same and creates a virtually
unbreakable cycle of mistrust and hostility.
These changes may not always come naturally. Often, hard work and practice
will be required. Mediation, counseling or parenting classes usually help.
Eventually, if you are able to learn to co-parent constructively and
cooperatively, both you and your children will benefit. Life will be less
stressful. Your children will have a brighter future. Just do it for your
children.
Maricopa County Superior Court oversees a community-based Parent Education
Program dealing with the effects of divorce and separation on children. Parents
in nearly all divorce and paternity cases are required to attend. Others who
feel they might benefit may voluntarily take advantage of the program. Classes
are offered at many locations throughout Maricopa County. Please call the court
at (602) 506-1448 if you are interested in more information about this program.
Mark Armstrong is the Family Court Presiding Judge in
Superior Court in
Maricopa County.
Source:The Tribune,
June 19, 1999.